Dear, darling: #4
To some extent, an annual reflection too.
It’s been awhile since I wrote you letters. How have you been? How is life on your side? Jakarta has been raining a lot these days. Obviously, it’s December, the rainy season is taking over. I honestly don’t mind because I like the rain and its smell. When it rains, I don’t have to put on the air conditioner so often, I can walk everywhere without the need to wear a cap, and I’m able to sleep soundly whenever the rain patters on top of the roof. Do you prefer rainy or sunny? If it’s the latter one, hope you would tolerate the gloomy sky and accept the sudden drops wholeheartedly. Also, take care, the rainy season may also be a sick season for some people.
It’s almost 2023, I expect you are doing better each day. I’m not sure if you’re the type who celebrates the new year, but I suppose you are also secretly praying for a year full of abundance. But hey, how was 2022 for you? Was it nice? Some of my friends already did their annual reflections through cute Instagram pictures, which are lovely to see. May I tell you how my 2022 went? In my standard, I have never put expectations for any upcoming year. After all, predicting the future is not my expertise. Therefore, let’s enjoy the ride, as always. Yet, the universe consistently has its manner of throwing magic and surprises.
I went through heartbreaks & new beginnings at the same time. Okay, disclaimer, please emphasize the new beginnings part. This year, I feel like I lost some friends though we didn’t have any fights. I don’t know how to describe the feelings. I guess it’s when you don’t find a connection anymore with them, that’s what made it even sadder. Anyway, I emotionally lost them but then I know who are the keepers — those who still try their best in staying even if (no joke) it is tough to deal with me. This year, I experienced getting hurt by a few sentences from (not really) strangers who never had a chance to get to know the real me. They would randomly throw hurtful comments and label it as a joke. I don’t know what happened to them behind the curtain, but it’s sad to see that someone could have that much hatred for humanity. Because how on earth could you so easily spit mean words to somebody whom you barely know? Yet because of them, it’s easier to define who are the people worth to spend with and I’m able to cut off destructive individuals. This year, I liked someone unavailable and sadly he kept giving me hope (at that time, atleast as I believed so). I wasn’t so sure about my emotions, whether they were real or not but when he built a wall in front of me, that’s when I can be sure that he was not you. He could make me write damn things, and now when I look back again it’s just so ridiculous.
As much as anything, after all those miserable happenings, this year I’m able to spend more time with myself. I watched almost 90 films this year. I challenged myself to read 35 books (though only accomplished half of it since I got occupied with ‘adult stuff’). I went home to spend moments with my niece and nephew who grow up too fast, though they still look like precious little hoomans to me. I bravely sent a piece written personally for my mom on Mother’s Day. I read my poem aloud to a real audience for the first time. I did counseling for the first time, and it was worth it, though I cried for the whole night after that. I started journaling daily to compile what I experienced and felt and I’d find myself amused in realizing what kind of struggles I’ve been through. I traveled to new places and encountered wonderful people. This year, I tried so many things and I don’t regret a single second I spent with myself.
What a year… indeed. I suppose all the fallen tears, sleepless nights, and uncountable mental breakdowns are worth it — because I gain more love at the same time. I found love in a place I’d never been before. I found (or perhaps awaken) another piece of myself from new places I went to and new people I encountered. They are my new beginnings.
What have you experienced for the past year? I think you also had a wonderful self-discovery process. Do you mind writing them down first? So when we get to — finally — meet, you wouldn’t forget all the details. I don’t mind listening to every sequence and fragment. I can imagine that you’re gonna be full of excitement — probably even radiating each word with googly eyes and smiles from ear to ear. Then you’ll find me looking through your eyes, listening wholeheartedly, and always being there…present.
I know life is balanced. There’s neither endless joy nor sorrow, right? But I hope you’ve had more smiles rather than cries this year. Even if you don’t, it’s okay and I know you’re gonna be fine. Don’t you know how tougher you have become each day? Please truly appreciate every phase you have reached until this day, you have done so well. Just like I told you earlier, heartbreaks could be new beginnings.
What’s your plan for next year? I assumed that you’re the kind of planner person, an organized one but not the type of control freak. I don’t know, maybe that’s just because I secretly believe that you are like that since I’m the opposite kind of person. I’m very impulsive, spontaneous, and random, so I don’t have any plans as always. I go by the flow, though sometimes I’d find the tides are hard to conquer. If you are planning on doing a sort of wishlist, I hope you can tick them one by one. Even if facing difficulties, challenges, or ‘failures’ — believe me, they’re more like ‘re-directions.’ Never be discouraged, okay?
I might not be the best planner, yet I’d like to make one ‘plan’ that is to greet you next year in 2023 — through any means, times, and circumstances. Perhaps, we’d bump into each other when we do grocery stores. You and I would apologize to each other and end up laughing because it was just so silly. Or maybe we’d meet somewhere beyond this country? You’d be traveling alone and so do I and we’d find each other as someone to talk to in a place far from home. Don’t you think a park in this town could also be a possible place for us to have a sudden meet? I’d be having a drawing session with a friend while you’d be too immersed in a fiction book that happens to be my favorite. There we go again, my wishful thinking (that sometimes almost sounds like the true soul of a hopeless romantic).
If you’re reading this, I wish you a happy new year. I genuinely hope 2023 gonna be good for both of us. Let’s talk — in person, soon, shall we?
Sincerely,
A
